Another Test of Surrender — Killarney Provincial Park, Ontario, Canada

I get to Killarney Provincial Park by early afternoon. I was able to secure a campsite online this morning, so I can relax with my time. I stop at the visitor center to get oriented and am happy to see the hikes I saved on AllTrails are the same ones they recommend.

It is so hot, far from the temperature I like for hiking, but I am here, so stop complaining. :)

I start with my top choice, the Chikanishing Trail. Part of the trail goes along Georgian Bay, so I am all in. The trail is fun as I jump from rock to rock. I love that kind of puzzle. However, it is also challenging, as I find it hard to follow the marks. Many times, I need to check my location on AllTrails.

Part of the trail goes through dense forest, creating the feeling of a lush jungle. I love the diverse plants that create a mystical world as I try to find my way.

Then I get to the exciting part. The view of Georgian Bay.

Wow! Now, that is beauty!

I stand near a tree, trying to cool off a bit in its shade, and take in what my eyes are so delighted to see. A rugged shoreline with little islands spread around, surrounded by beautiful blue water.

I keep going, leaving the jungle behind, and hike along the rugged shoreline. At this point, I am also trying to let go of a dark feeling I refuse to admit.

No, NO, NO, that is not happening again.

I am full of frustration. That specific point on my left abdomen is throbbing.

I keep going because I want to get to the edge of this hike, where I know the landscape will wrap me up in so much love.

I find a spot where I think I will have easy access to the water. I take off my backpack and my hiking boots. I take my phone out of my pocket. I do not even roll my pants. I know they will dry fast enough and will keep me cool later.

Oh, wow. The rocks are so slippery that I almost find myself falling in. That would be absolutely fine until I realize I still have my keys on me.

I sit for a while, trying hard to live in the moment. Denial right now feels like a good plan.

Maybe if I ignore the pain, it will go away. Yea, right.

By the time I am back at my car, I am done with hiking for the day. The pain makes me nervous as I wonder if I am having another diverticulitis attack.

I get to my campsite and settle in. A shower would be so amazing right now. I feel my best option is to skip the campground showers and put up my own. I set up my shower tent and enjoy a cold shower, cooling off as I wash away my sweat.

I feel so much better!

Still, I decide to put myself on a strict diet again. I set up my hammock and relax for a bit, reminding myself that tomorrow is a new day and a new beginning.

I have a good night’s sleep, but my mind is still being taken hostage by worry and fear. My pain is still strong and steady.

I am so ticked off.

I set my plan in motion. I will take the shorter way to Ottawa, leave my food at Janet’s friend’s house, cross the border to New York, where I have my health insurance, and go to the nearest ER.

The one thing that makes me feel optimistic is that my energy is still strong. In May, my energy was extremely low right away.

I get to Ottawa on the morning of July 4th, thinking I will say a quick hello to Ladka and Jan, leave my stuff, and head out to cross the border.

What I do not anticipate is such a loving, warm welcome.

Right away, Ladka and Jan offer me a shower and a meal. They are such loving people that I feel at home immediately. We sit for a while and get to know each other. Their son Lukas comes to say hello, and right away I fall in love with this young man. Lukas, who is disabled, has such a beautiful, positive, happy heart.

I enjoy our conversation, without him even realizing that he helps me ground myself.

Ladka suggests that I might want to wait a day before crossing the border, as it is a holiday. I do see her point. However, I am so overwhelmed that making decisions right now feels like climbing Mount Everest.

I know I am beyond blessed with so much love and support from my “pit crew” back home. A short text to my power girls text group helps me finalize my plan.

I will cross tomorrow.

The next morning, I get to the ER at 11:30. I am not expecting fast service, but I also do not expect that after they admit me, I will learn the CT machine is broken.

Ouch!

They need to transfer me by ambulance to the nearest hospital, which is 40 minutes away. The only downside is that they do not know when it will happen. I offer to drive the ambulance myself. After all, I have the resume. :)

Only at 6:30 at night do they finally take me. By the time I am back and done, it is 10:30 at night, which is too late to find a hotel. The parking lot is pretty empty with many open spots, so I feel comfortable sleeping in my car, knowing I am not taking a parking spot from patients who need it. I climb into my bed and get some decent sleep.

The wonderful news is that the scan is clear, and all my blood work is normal. However, I am now even more confused.

I decide to stay longer in New York State and have a telemedicine visit with my doctor. I need to try to get to the bottom of it.

What is likely happening is that the muscles of my colon may be going into spasm around the area of my scar tissue as a result of IBS. What a relief!

I schedule an appointment to see my doctor when I am back home and schedule a colonoscopy as well.

I thought I had learned how to surrender, but my body is showing me there is another layer.

An honest and open conversation with my son Adi helps me admit a bit of the truth.

“Mom, you are constantly in survival mode when you travel. You are attacking your own system. Either you settle down, or you embrace deeper into your journey with the universe.”

I am not ready to jump ship yet.

I love this lifestyle. I love the freedom, the puzzle of the unknown, the beautiful souls I meet, and the landscapes that take my breath away and teach me who I am.

The question is, can I fully let the universe guide me?

Adi encourages me to take a break.

“Mom, when was the last time you treated yourself to a relaxing vacation?” he asks.

No clue.

Not to mention, I am not sure I even know how to take a relaxing vacation.

I do take his advice and book a nice resort in Canada for next week. However, I cancel it this morning because it feels too fixed, too planned, too much like another box I have to fit myself into. It feels like I am forcing the universe and binding myself to a timeline, stripping myself of the flexibility and freedom of time.

But I also know Adi is right. My body is asking for rest. So now the question is not whether I continue. The question is whether I can continue differently.

As I continue my travel through Canada, I promise myself to find a nice place and take a healthy break, one that will be right for that moment.

Tomorrow, Thursday, July 9, I will cross back into Canada to continue my journey with the universe, hopefully now with a much more surrendered heart.