I'D RATHER BE LOST AT THE LAKE THAN FOUND AT HOME. I bought this sign on my trip to Maine in 2020. I remember that day and that store like it was yesterday. Today, it feels like another message from the universe, giving me a hint about the path I am on today.
It has been three weeks since I returned home. The last few miles of driving until I reached my final destination, I did what I always do when I want to take in a moment and truly be with my emotions: I drove in silence. Even though it has only been seven months since I left, everything feels like it stopped in time—even the new leaves on the trees feel the same.
How can I explain how wonderful it is to be with my people? I've repeatedly mentioned how I feel blessed with so much love in my life. Being back home with my loved ones emphasizes that feeling and how much I miss them all.
This time, my return home brings a significant change that will put me further on my spiritual path. That change brings back the same freezing fear I felt two years ago when I embarked on a journey of no return. Now, I let this "panic" just be. I let it be part of who I am today.
At times, that "panic" is so intense that it leaves me deflated. The only way I know how to replenish myself is to immerse myself in nature. Even with the relentless heat, I go for a hike on one of my favorite trails in Harriman State Park. I usually don't hike in the summer. In the past, I spent my summers on my bike or on my paddleboard.
I am always in awe of how nature affects me. Right away, my whole nervous system is calm and relaxed. I now recognize how nature brings out my true self, which helps me have an open and honest conversation with myself.
Since my divorce, or more accurately, since the day I let go of the gas pedal a second before I planned to smash into the bridge overhead, not ready to end my life, I have been educating myself in the art of emotions and feelings. This gives me many tools to go deep into my own world of emotions with a strong willingness to free myself from past trauma and find the way to my true self.
My trees are my audience for the play that goes on inside of me. Today, I am finally kinder to myself and able to recognize all my achievements. (If this is the first post you're reading, you might want to go back to the beginning.) I ask myself one simple question: Was there ever a time I could not figure out a solution to a problem? I realize I have one answer: No. Somehow, I always do.
Even with all the calmness in my heart, I recognize I am only at the beginning of my spiritual journey of accepting and surrendering to what's ahead.
The heat is slowing me down, the overgrown grass hiding the trail, and the sweat dripping into my eyes forces me to stop. I take a deep breath, only to be choked by the humidity in the air. But somehow, all this brings an "aha" moment that shakes me to my core.
Whether I like it or not, the universe has put me on this journey. As I expressed in the past, it feels like I have been "forced" to write and share my life with the world. The "aha" moment is the recognition that the first year (chapter one) had to be beyond incredible to put me on this path. However, the following chapters will bring "tests," as they already have.
With so much uncertainty, I know one thing is for sure: it is time to fold my belongings into just a few boxes. I am still waiting for the board of my co-op to approve the buyer of my apartment. But that is not stopping me from giving away most of my belongings. This process of shedding brings freedom into my heart. The less I have, the lighter I feel.
Chapter three will undoubtedly stand on its own. With much less funding, I need to make changes as I travel. After experiencing two winters on the road, I can tell you there isn't a warm state anywhere. Somehow, a cold front always finds its way to freeze me. My minivan "vanpartment" is not set up for deep cold or extreme heat. To be able to afford to continue traveling from May to November, I will need to station myself in one place during the winter. I am considering a few options: house sitting, a seasonal job, volunteering in retreat centers, participating in service-study programs in a Buddhist community, or accepting the beautiful invitations from friends to come and stay with them.
What will come next? I truthfully have no clue. I will let the universe show me the way.
The more we share our stories, the more we understand our connections. Each story is unique—there is nothing quite like it. My experiences are distinctly mine, yet they offer insights that others can learn from and apply to their own lives. This is how I approach others' stories: I listen and read with an open mind, I embrace what resonates with me and identify valuable lessons that can help improve and enrich my life.
Stories provide us with a window to better understand ourselves through the experiences of others. Knowing that my story can make a difference in someone else's life is a gift that I hold close to my heart.
Writing has become more than just a passion for me. It is now my primary source of livelihood. If my story resonates with you or you find joy in my writing, I warmly invite you to support my journey by becoming a paid subscriber to my Substack blog. Your support means the world to me and ensures that I can keep exploring, writing, and connecting with all of you. Thank you for being a part of this journey.
What motivates me to put aside my fear and jump into the unknown is my curiosity to see how the movie 'Gila' will unfold.
This curiosity propels my journey forward and invites you, my readers, to be a part of the unfolding story. As I continue to traverse this unpredictable path, I invite you to join me by following my updates and sharing your thoughts.
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