I am not sure I am comfortable living on the edge. I can feel the anxiety starting to take over me. I feel lifeless as I drive from Big Bend to Fort Davis. Even my music doesn't do the trick. I first stopped at Alpine to do my laundry. My clean clothing doesn't wash the feeling building up deep in my stomach.
While driving, I needed to decide where I was going and staying. Fort Davis is where I'm heading.
I decided to make my life a bit easier and check into my hotel a day earlier, as taking my things to any location other than my car is quite a lot of back and forth.
My week at Fort Davis is a "working" week. It is a week for me to regroup and work on my next destinations. I make one stop at a small town called Marfa to check out the small galleries in town.
When I get to my hotel, I sink even further. I do check in but with a heavy heart. I don't feel safe, and my gut is yelling at me. I open my laptop to see what other options I have. When I made my reservation weeks ago, my options were limited. After all, it is a holiday week. Finally, I find a place that gets my attention. I don't remember seeing it before, so I called to see if anything was available. Yes, but only from Monday to Thursday. I asked if I could come and check it out. Jenny, greeted me when I got there and showed me the room. It is a simple cabin with a rustic feel. I LOVE it! It's my style, and I feel at home. I decided to cancel my original reservation and stay at the Mountain Trail Lodge. It makes me nervous that I will need to find another place from Thursday-Saturday.
I am so glad I only had to spend one night at the hotel. Even though moving to the lodge is above my budget, I know my safety doesn't come with a sticker price.
I am still fighting with my emotions and trying to understand the source of it all. After all, life in the past two months has been amazing.
I know and am aware that we all have ups and downs. At my core, I am a happy person. But this time, I feel I am falling hard. It is probably because I am on a happy "high" that my fall is more complex.
I take myself on a hike which is always the best medication for me.
It is gorgeous here at Mount Davis State Park. I love how giant rocks come through a mountain. I spot a falcon flying in the distance. He probably has a nest between the crack of the rocks. At times he disappears, but I can still find his flying shadow on the mountain.
My stomach is still in a knot even though I am in my happy place - nature. I am surrounded by beautiful hills and mountains, trees and grass, but I cannot quiet my mind. I am overwhelmed!
I know that the overwhelming feelings are a result of my learning disabilities. I have a hard time processing information and this week of "work" is not an easy task for me. Yet, I always laugh and say sometimes I can hear my brain move in slow motion. It feels like my left brain is not functioning while my right brain is flourishing.
I turned to my mentor Brené Brown and listened to another chapter from Atlas of the Heart. This one is about disappointments and expectations. Oh NO! I realize I'm not being fair to my son Ron. Lately, he has had some bumps in his road. He is still looking for a job in marketing, living on his own in Boulder, Colorado trying to find his own way. I give him a lot of credit for that, but I don't understand why he's not pushing harder.
I understood from Brené Brown that I was putting my own expectations on Ron, which is unfair and wrong. I need to have a facetime conversation and apologize. Of course, his unhappiness weighs heavily on me. I hope I gave my boys enough tools to spread their wings and fly like the falcon. From my experience, I know this challenging time in Ron's life will only help him build up his resilience, but right now, he needs my love and support with no criticism.
Along the hike, some grasshoppers jumped all around me. While they jumped from one spot to another, they revealed a beautiful bold orange color. The sound that they make starts to become a song in my head. But even that doesn't help to relieve my anxious mind.
It is time to go grocery shopping and check into the lodge. If you read until now, don't stop! What happens next helps bring faith back into my life.
Jenny took the time to move other guests around, so I could stay as long as needed. But wait, it gets even better. She told me she would charge me only the "weekly" rate and not the "holiday" rate. She then lets me know she's charging me from Monday to Friday; if I need to stay on Saturday and Sunday, I can stay for free! Come on!!! My spirit has just been lifted high up to the sky!
This journey is full of so much kindness. It melts my heart.
Thank you, Jenny, from the bottom of my heart!
Jenny's place is going through some renovations, so I take the opportunity to give back and offer my professional advice and my designer discounts at various companies. I do hope she will take me up on my offer.
My next destinations: Guadalupe Mountains National Park, Enchanted Rock State Park, Austin, Palo Duro State Park, Santa Fe, NM, and Boulder, CO
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