These days are beautiful fall days! Crisp air and colorful foliage. Perfect weather for hiking and biking.
This beautiful photo I took many years ago, when darkness was in my heart. This shot brought so much hope to my soul. It is still one of my favorites. When I moved into my apartment, I enlarged and framed it as a reminder: "In life, there is time for everything."
I used to chant this line to myself and often shared this wisdom with my boys. It was a mantra I used to remind myself that staying in my marriage to provide a family structure for them was the right thing to do, and that it was my obligation at that point in my life. For nearly eighteen years, I chanted this line. Today, it's a reminder that even though life feels like it's in limbo, everything can change overnight for me.
Okay, since I promised myself to keep an honest journal, here I am again, sharing a vulnerable post of my inner struggle with my emotions. Especially one particular emotion that still holds a stigma in our society.
Interestingly enough, I've been struggling with loneliness since I moved back into my apartment. I am far from being alone—I am beyond blessed with love and support from my dear friends.
So, I do what I always do when I want to learn more about my feelings: I educate myself. I've been listening to TED Talks, podcasts, and reading articles on loneliness.
This isn't the first time I've encountered the feeling of loneliness. In many ways, the last years of my marriage were quite lonely, though I only recognize it now.
Did you know that two centuries ago, "loneliness" wasn't a word in the English language?
Over the past two years of traveling solo, you might think loneliness would be a constant companion. If you go back to my first post, you'll read that it was a deep concern of mine. However, I had the opposite experience—I was gifted with so many beautiful souls entering my life and found a pure sense of belonging in nature.
Many times, I found myself in the middle of nowhere, standing as a tiny dot in a vast landscape, feeling like I was the only human on the planet. Yet, I felt tiny but mighty, filled with pure love, belonging, and a connection to the universe. Loneliness was far from being present in my heart or soul.
And here I am now, being knocked down by this feeling. It's a hard emotion to deal with. I am a problem-solver, so sitting and feeling sorry for myself is not an option. I've learned that loneliness is often an umbrella for other emotions, like fear. That makes sense, as life feels like it's in a huge limbo. I feel like I am free-falling without a net to catch me—but I refuse to give up.
I try to understand if there's more behind my feelings. I recognize that, after gifting myself with forgiveness toward my ex and father, (two people who hurt me the most) I've created space in my heart for deeper emotions. It's like a protective shield has been lifted from me, and the fog that held me back has dissipated, leaving me more aware of my being.
I love the space I've created for myself. My apartment has a peaceful energy, but sometimes the walls feel like they're closing in on me, reminding me that I am a free spirit. It's time to close this chapter in my life and move on, even with all the uncertainty ahead.
The first time I truly felt loneliness was six months after my divorce. Life after the divorce was non-stop—two part-time jobs, my commitment as a volunteer ambulance driver, and fixing up my apartment. I had no time to breathe or rest, let alone feel.
But one day, after finishing all the work on my apartment, I finally had time to feel. It was a rainy Saturday, and as I sat on the sofa, it hit me in the stomach like a wave, taking me completely by surprise.
Even though I recognize now that I was lonely in my marriage, I couldn't see it back then. My boys filled my life with so much joy and happiness that I was blind to the loneliness.
Without thinking much, I created a profile on Match.com—what better way to deal with loneliness than to date, right? I was so confident that I even purchased a six-month membership. But it didn't last long. The feeling of putting myself "on sale" or "going shopping" didn't sit well with me. I realized I wasn't ready to share my freedom, however lonely I felt.
When I eventually shared my experience with some of my single friends, I found I wasn't alone. I was just the one brave enough to admit it out loud.
New friendships soon entered my life, and loneliness took a backseat for a while.
In my latest research on loneliness, I've learned why it's creeping back into my life now. Without a structured schedule, I feel lost.
So, as always, I take action. I've joined hikes on Meetup, created my own hikes, and invited other women to join me. I love making new friendships. I keep myself busy and continue applying for jobs. I know my time here is limited, so I make sure to spend time with old friends.
I accept, that right now, loneliness is a part of my life. And in life, there is time for everything...
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