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Is it weird that I felt violated?

If you follow my story from the beginning, you might remember I promised to keep my journal honest and open, and to take you all with me for my ups and downs. It's been almost eighteen months since I started sharing my life with the world. All your comments of gratitude for keeping a vulnerable journal let me understand the beautiful power of this courage and give me the strength to continue sharing.


Only when I face challenges in my choice to live a nomadic life do I have the opportunity to see and experience its weaknesses.


Last year, I experienced a weak link as I had to deal with an emergency health issue. Being a solo traveler in an unknown area when you need to admit yourself to the ER can evoke feelings of helplessness. Halting my travels to focus on regaining my health was frustrating and slower than I preferred.


Now, my van/home health throws me into a deep hole of hard feelings to deal with. I make sure to stay true to my promise to Linda and myself. I do make sure to express to Linda that I don't have a drop of anger or resentment for what happened. It was a pure accident.


However, when I went today to check on my van/home since it was past the time they gave me for when it should be finished. Seeing my 'home' so naked and my 'living room' in a total mess felt like a punch to my stomach. Is it weird that I felt violated? Until now, I didn't realize how my new home feels like a part of me.


They are now waiting for a part. I want to believe it should arrive tomorrow, but I understand the body shop has been waiting for the part for over a week now.


I am struggling at this moment to stay calm, focused, and to view this as an opportunity for growth. In all honesty, it is very difficult. I remind myself that there were much more complex emotional challenges in my life, and I survived them.


I do what I know makes sense to me. I get to a place that will put me as close as possible to nature, and I pour my feelings into writing. 


Writing has become the beautiful treasure box I discovered in me. Still today, I read my posts, and it feels like someone else wrote them. As my friend Jenni says, it is my inner self that writes.


I let my newfound spirituality guide me. Of course, I question the universe...


I am realizing that I am constantly looking to hear the wisdom from outside of me. I wonder if that comes from a lack of confidence in myself, or if it is a source of comfort that I am not alone in search of the continued wisdom that will grant me the path to living wholeheartedly. 



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