This has been, without a doubt, a journey of self-discovery! And why the heck do I share it with all of you? I know I am not alone in feeling and dealing with deep emotions that puts us in agony. If my journey can put someone else on the path of healing, that would be a beautiful gift to them and to me.
I recognized that for a while, I have been stuck. I want to move forward so badly. I want to let go. I have already done so much work and I feel I am almost there. There is still one more mountain to climb and one more horizon to reach, but I can't find my way.
Well... I finally found it! Now the question is whether I can climb it. It is so high and powerfully challenging. It feels impossible.
For a while, I have been listening to the book "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron. The gift of this journey is the time I have to be with myself, the time to explore and read and listen to much philosophical thinking. My last fallout brought an awakening that shook me. I continue pushing myself harder to find the answer to my question, 'how do I let go of all this pain I am exhausted from carrying?'. I have to admit, I was not too fond of the answer. I was fighting it initially, primarily due to the lack of understanding.
When we are hurt and betrayed so profoundly by the people that are supposed to be there to love us and support us no matter what, the hurt tears us to shreds. The thing is, we are the only ones that can glue it back together. Hanging on to the past will drown me even further. I want to swim to the shore, sit on the beach, and enjoy a strawberry margarita. I want to show examples for my boys on how to move forward. I want to leave a legacy of love and kindness.
Check out: The Real Risk of Forgiveness–And Why It's Worth It | Sarah Montana | TEDxLincolnSquare
Listen to the song Forgiveness by Matthew West.
I decided to break my drive to Zion National Park for two days. I will stay at Page for the night. I booked a room in a hotel which will be nice to be more comfortable for a night before roughing it again. The drive is so beautiful! About 60 miles before Page, the view captured my soul; all I wish to do is get a canvas and paint brushes. To my right is a chain of mountain ranges with stunning beauty on a backdrop of fresh blue skies and feathered clouds. There is a movement and texture that feels like a slow dance full of love and passion. The song by Josh Groban, "You Raise Me Up" is playing, and I can't think of a better song to capture this moment. Those moments are worth all the challenges that come with living in my car.
As I start my drive to Zion, I pass a blue lake to my right; with a quick decision, I turn around to go back and check it out. What a stunning contrast Lake Powell is on this desert land. I have never been here and I'm not an expert, but you could absolutely see and understand the sadness and the loss of this lake. I enjoy my lunch, wishing I could kayak along its paths. Now I have an exciting reason to come back.
I plan to squeeze in a short hike before getting to Zion. I am back in Utah. Just off Rt 89, there is a head trail to hike Toadstool Hoodoos Trail in Grand Staircase Escalante National Monuments. As the hike starts, you find yourself hugged by incredible layers of earth tones, colors, and many levels of textures. Somehow, it reminds me of the wet sand castle I built as a child playing in the sand on the Mediterranean Sea. When I get to the Hoodoos, I can't shake the feeling that someone is playing a trick on me because it looks like someone came and created these structures of rock on top of rock.
What a beautiful country we have!
As I entered Zion National Park, I am in awe. Literally, the view takes my breath away. This is my third time visiting Zion, but this time I am blown away by the stunning beauty around me. No doubt, the snow adds a dramatic feel to my emotions.
Zion National Park stole my heart! This beauty puts me on my knees with tears of joy and gratitude.