I start my car engine and put it into drive.

Can grief confuse you?

Are events in our lives true coincidences?

As you can read, my newfound spirituality is being tested.

I am happy I could capture my excitement on my last post before life threw me in complete surprise.

The surprise was not the passing of my dad, which I know eventually will happen. After all, death is part of life.

It was the complex of my emotions that I thought I knew how to handle.

No, I do not regret removing myself from his life two years ago. Unfortunately, it was a healthy thing for me to do.

My son's visit a few days ago confirmed what I was starting to be aware of as I traveled last year. My childhood trauma is not letting me fully be who I am. I still feel emotionally and physically the bricks I press firmly with thick mortar around me.

Yes, absolutely, without even a doubt, most of the castles I constructed around me at an early age crumbled last year. But there is just that first level of foundation that is refusing to break me free.

So, is it a coincidence that the day I am back on the road to healing is the day of my dad's funeral?

No, I didn't fly to Israel to his funeral; I am choosing to grieve by myself in nature. I will create my own ceremony when the time comes.

I hug my Pit Crew goodbye with tears of love. I start my car engine and put it into drive.

I drive in silence; the little tradition I started with myself of honoring the start or the end of my adventures with a song or a book that made a difference in my life I put on hold.

I know I need to let the grief take space in my heart. Even though right now I am on an emotional rollercoaster, I do want to honor my dad and wish he lived a good life. I am relieved that I was able to understand and find forgiveness before my dad passed away.

I have enough wisdom in me to recognize the trauma I have stored in my body is a result of his emotional pain. I am aware that we are not all capable of processing our emotions in a healthy way.

All I can do is be responsible for my actions and work hard not to create generational trauma or reflect my pain on others.

I form a start for this journey of grief. I am going to write four letters to my dad. One from the little girl in me, somewhere around the age of 10. One from my eighteen-year-old self. One from my mid-forties as a mother and one from the woman I became with a deeper understanding of forgiveness and compassion.

As I write this post, I have an inner struggle with myself; here I am writing a vulnerable post again. It isn't easy being emotionally naked to the world. But I know there is an important message in my story.

A crucial subject that creates a strong aspiration in me is world peace!

I am not an expert, but I have a feeling my line of thinking is not far from the truth. If we want a chance for peace, we need to start being aware of our trauma and its result on the universe.

We all experience trauma in one way or another; it is part of being human. The question is how we deal with it and react to it.

World peace will have a chance when we each have a peaceful heart.

You cannot expect others to give love and kindness without first creating it for yourself.

Imposing emotional pain, with anger and violence, will never solve anything, not for the individual suffering and not for anyone around.

I hope this post will trigger your curiosity about trauma and give you the courage to start your journey for peace.